Let's Get Real

I've been told that I seem to be handling this pretty well. And up until a few days ago, I really thought I was. But....the truth is, I'm not. I'm struggling. This is really hard. We spent Saturday with my family at the zoo, and it was really fun. My sister and her husband were there with their chubby baby girl. I love RJ with my whole heart! She has the sweetest smile, and she thinks Uncle Josh is so funny (looking). But after our stay at Cinci all I could see was RJ's huge, strong legs. Watching her kick them when she was mad, laughing at her little fat rolls...*sigh* All the while knowing my baby -insert positivity here- has a very likely chance that their legs will never move and will be very thin. I think about my other sister, and how she is not too far behind me in her pregnancy. Then I think to the future. I see 5 kids. All of them beautiful and smiling at Nana for a picture. Just one is different. I don't want to further indulge in my negativity, because it is true, the doctors can't technically predict what our child can or can't do. They can't say what nerves were damaged. And all the Spina Bifida stories I see show happy kids loving life. But it's hard for me still to accept it. Like when I play "This Little Piggy" with Kaleya and Reyden... :/

I get so ANGRY at myself sometimes though. I should not feel this way. I should be grateful I have a baby, right? The book they gave us talks about the stages of grief. It says that it is perfectly normal to grieve as if you have lost a child. Because if you think about it, you have lost the dreams you had for that child. Everything you pictured in your future is completely different now. It's OKAY to cry about it. Now do I let my grief swallow me up and consume my life? Of course not. I have two amazing kids to take care of! Today we made homemade paint! What I am saying is (basically to myself) that it is okay to be sad.

Yesterday we found out that the buyers on our house are backing out. They submitted a mutual release because we said no to replacing our perfectly good roof. Yesterday was hard for me. I didn't understand why God was letting this happen! Wasn't this His plan? I felt like every time I came to grips with where He was leading us, He would turn down another path. Why would he let us lose this sale? Haven't we gotten enough disappointing news this week? My mom saw my doubt and immediately told me to look up Jeremiah 29:11

""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""

 

This is what it says in my Life Application Study Bible about verse 11. "We're all encouraged by a leader who stirs us to move ahead, someone who believes we can do the task he has given and who will be with us all the way. God is that kind of leader. He knows the future, and his plans for us are good and full of hope. As long as God, who knows the future, provides our agenda and goes with us as we fulfill this mission, we can have boundless hope. This does not mean that we will be spared pain, suffering, or hardship, but that God will see us through to a glorious conclusion."

 

I read this to Joshua when he came home from work and we felt a peace about us. We feel that the Lord is telling us to stay. This is our home. This house is where we are most comfortable and will be able to take care of our special needs baby. When we discussed this and decided on it, it was as if a small piece of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I can breathe just a little easier.

 

Trusting in God is a daily battle. I have my good days and I have my really dark days. But I know that my family and church family will be there for us, reminding us, should we ever forget, that God will see us through to our glorious conclusion.